Hi.... (I don't really know how to call you)
How are you? Where are you now? I hope you're doing fine.
How are you? Where are you now? I hope you're doing fine.
I know that our family has a really tragic story. Story of endless, unanswered questions.. And of abandonment. Don't get me wrong. I have forgiven you already. I just want to write a letter to you because there are some things I learned today that is connected to you. And it has been years since I last talked to you.
Shall we start?
You know, I have been reading a book. The title is Captivating - Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. I love it so much. It's like, it was really making me go back and check my past. So, there.
Growing up, I had a lot of issues. And I just clearly learned this year that the reason of who I am today is because of my past. And that includes you as well. It was quite a surprise to me that you are involved because you weren't even there while I was growing up.
Hey, please stay.
Don't get me wrong. I am not here to condemn you. I am here to just tell you of the messages I learned about you and my past.
We know that you abandoned me and my Mama months after you knew that she is pregnant with me. But you had your wedding with her, right? You promised for better or for worse..
May I ask what happened?
You never even told us.. Even one of us.
You were like the coin in the magician's hand.. Quickly disappeared in the thin air without us not knowing where to look for you.
You abandoned not just my Mama, but me as well.. Your one and only daughter.
Growing up, I always wanna be seen. I wanna know that I am delighted at, I wanna know I am loved, cherished, and that I am captivating. Funny because what I am usually doing is I look for a table or a high chair and I sit there or stand right there while singing or dancing. And I enjoyed the eyes of those watching but I was looking for a particular face, that particular eyes.. Yours.
Then it hit me that I don't have a Father. I never had a Father.
It was a sad night, you know. I saw my grandparents, Titas, Titos, and my Mama's smiles.. But, still I am looking for yours.
And then I thought to myself, why is he gone? Why were we not sure if he is dead or alive?
But, deep in my heart, I know you are alive. I know. I just know.
And then, that glorious day happened when we knew you were alive.. Alive with 5 children and a new wife.
I realized then that I still love you. And I have forgiven you. But then, questions not just from my Mama who was left behind but for me as well, as your supposed to be only daughter.
Why did you leave us?
Were we not enough?
Am I a burden to you?
Am I not worthy to be loved?
Were you not happy when you knew that I can go out to the world after some months?
You know I grow up with inferiority complex. I didn't feel strong and beautiful all throughout half of my elementary and high school days. They said I was unattractive. I believed them. So I hide. I hid my true self. And oh, I also had a hard time explaining to them where were you.
I was bullied. And I let them. And the scars are just.. Oh, so deep. Sometimes it still hurts up to now.
College was rough. Mother doesn't have the bills to pay for all my books, projects, assignments, boarding house, food and everything. It was really hard for us. But you know, you had a very strong wife. I never see her cry. I guess you made her strong. Thank you.
But still, you left us. Without even saying why..
And with all that you made me feel, I just felt like everyone who are and will be interested with me will just hurt me and leave.
..which happened a lot of times already.
Let me talk about the guys I've met.
I met my first love when I was in high school. But then again, he left. Chose another girl. He went back. Chose to hurt me again. Went back. Chose to went out again. I was so hurt. Wasn't able to focus on my studies because, I thought I was in love.
College came and then I saw another guy. He seemed to be nice. I left my first love for him because I thought I will be happier. No more tears I said. But then, hello heartaches and trust issues. I was so clingy, I wanted attention. And I guess that it turned him off.
After years together, I saw another man, who I thought would love me for who I am. And because he knows Jesus Christ, he said, I let him enter my heart. But then, I was so wrong again. I guess he loved me, but he just used me.
THE MESSAGE
I thought you were never connected to what I am today. But no, bulk of what I am today is because of you.
Never seen by a Father.
Never delighted upon.
Always felt not worthy to be chased and pursued.
Always felt that anyone who would want to enter into my life will just leave.
No one will stay.
I will always be that second choice.
Right at this very moment, my ex-boyfriend wants me back.
But I don't really know if he is sincere. If he is really sure. Again, I felt that feeling of abandonment. That no one really is delighted in me. That I am just chosen because he just wants something in me.. But here I am, still wanting that love from him.
Sometimes, I am actually thinking.. 'What if I have a good Father? How would I act on this one?'
I honestly don't want to go back to this moment where I am being reminded that you left us not because you have to, but because you want to.
But God wants me to. So here.
I know God wants me back to this certain past because He wants to Father me. God wants Him to be the Father I never had.
I may not experienced your love but I am happy to let you know that little by little, I am knowing a Father who will never leave, who will always pursue me, love me, and will always delight in me.
From your little girl who never thought that she will see the light again, thank you for bringing me to this world. For giving my Mama the strength she has right now and for leaving me, your only daughter who just wants love from her Papa.
Thank you.
I just want you to know before I end, that all these forgiveness is because I have known the author of my life, Jesus Christ. I hope and pray that you will also get to know Him, the One who gave His life for me and for you, who promises an eternal life if you will just believe in Him and accept Him.
Your only daughter,
Pia
